People can tell when you are nervous

When we’re nervous most of us make what are called ‘comfort’ or ‘self-soothing’ gestures.
When we do this, at some level the other person know that we’re nervous, afraid or not in control.
This happens one-on-one, in a small group and even when you’re presenting or on stage.
When this happens you lose all your credibility and power.
Watch the video, read the transcript or listen to the audio to learn what these self-soothing gestures are and how people can tell when you’re nervous

People Can Tell When You Are Nervous

Are you nervous when you meet new people? Are you nervous when you stand up in front of a team meeting? Are you nervous when you stand on a podium and present to everyone that’s out there?

The answer for most of us is yes. It’d be unusual not to be nervous. And, the more we do it, the less nervous we become.

But the more nervous we are and the more ‘nerves’ we show that the less respect that audience will give us.

And that audience may be really small, just one person, or a small team group or even a large audience of 200 or more people present.

The more nerves that you show, the less credibility and believability you’ll have, the less trust you’ll develop from that audience.

It’s really, really important therefore,  that you show a ‘strong’ presence and that you show that you’re ‘in control’ and that you are not nervous.

Let me share some nervousness behaviours with you.

A couple of really simple nervousness tells or giveaways include the following; 

  • when people scratch themselves, on their knee or their arm, anywhere in fact or
  • when they twiddle with their earing, twiddle with their hair
  • another one is playing with the tie or some jewellery that’s around the neck

The little indent at the front of the neck is called the suprasternal notch, and just under it are some arteries and veins and nerves When we rub this area, it soothes us and slows our heart down.

Therefore, when we play with our tie (men or women wearing a tie) or when, women play with their jewellery in this area, they are doing so to ‘calm’ themselves down – even though they may not realize what they are doing, and these are all ‘nervous’ gestures.

Other self-soothing or nervous gestures include;

  • biting your finger nails
  • chewing gum
  • ‘adjusting’ an item of clothing
  • rubbing ones shoulders
  • etc.

Now, you may be thinking, “Oh, look, Diederik, I don’t consciously see or recognize those things that you’ve just said so I can’t tell when someone is nervous.”

I’m going to beg to differ because you may not consciously be aware that someone else is nervous but your subconscious definitely is!

And so at some level you will feel that ‘something is not quite right’…. – but you might not have any idea why.

This goes back to our caveman days, and back then we HAD to learn to read someone else’s body language.

We had to learn to ‘read’ that other caveman who was approaching us or that person that we were with and know whether they were friend or foe, threat or enemy, confident or nervous.

We innately recognize those body language ‘tells’, maybe not consciously but certainly subconsciously, and that gives us a feeling of “I don’t know why but I don’t trust that person – something is not quite right.”

The other thing I want to show you is another nervousness gesture – I just did it to show you — and it is called ‘turtling’.

Turtling is where you pull your shoulders up towards your ears. This minimises the ‘length’ of your neck and the exposure of this ‘sensitive’ area to others.

The neck and the throat are very sensitive areas – so we want to protect them! So, if you ‘turtle’ that shows that you’re nervous because you’re trying to cut down the exposure of this high risk area.

What we’ve gone through are just some of a whole host of nervousness gestures that we all recognize at some level. Therefore, when someone makes or uses these gestures, we have less credibility, trust, authenticity and belief in that person.

The take-home message here is; even if you don’t think you’re nervous, watch your body language and check-in and see if you do any of those behaviours.

And if you do some of those behaviours or ‘tells’, may I suggest that you practice not doing them because that’s going to hugely improve the communication outcome and the trust and credibility that you receive from your audience, whether that’s one person or a huge room.

What are your eyebrows saying

 

Today, a really quick tip.

How do you show someone that you’re interested in them or interested in what they’re saying? Well, the trick is an eyebrow-raise.

The eyebrow-raise

When you raise an eyebrow, or both eyebrows (when someone else is talking), it signifies to them that you’re interested in what they’re saying.

And, if you really want to impact this person even more and show them that you’re even more interested super interested in what they are saying…. as well as raising an eyebrow, just lean in towards them very slightly.

At a conscious level, that person may not, and probably will not, see or realize what you’re doing, but at an unconscious level, they will most certainly see that eyebrow raise and see that lean in.

This shows the person that’s talking that you’re interested in them, interested in what they’re saying, and therefore, naturally, they’re going to like you more, trust you more and respect you more.

This is a super effective strategy and also it’s super-easy to learn how to do this and add it in to your communication armoury.

There’s another side to this coin as well.

If you are speaking (to one person or to an audience or even a large group) and if YOU want to emphasize an important point…

… let’s assume that you’re a teacher in a classroom situation, or a lecturer at a university or something along those lines….

  if and when you want to emphasize a point, you can do, and should do, exactly the same thing. – raise an eyebrow!

This places a ‘line’ under what you’re saying and emphasizes it to your audience.

An eyebrow raise indicates to the person who’s listening that there’s something important here, there’s something important and I’m telling you to listen more closely by raising my eyebrow; it means that something important is coming out of my mouth.

And then the ‘lean-in’. As a speaker, learn to use the ‘lean-in to achieve exactly the same thing.

Learn to watch for the raised eyebrow and look out for that lean-in.

And learn to use both those strategies yourself – with volition!

  • If you’re a teacher, a lecturer, or even if you’re just having a conversation with someone and you want to emphasize what you’re saying, then raise an eyebrow, raise two eyebrows and lean in slightly.
  • If you’re someone that’s listening to someone else and you want to show empathy and show that you understand them and you’re on the same page and that you’re really listening well, you’re truly interested in what they are saying, then an eyebrow-raise and leaning in achieves exactly that.

Today you learned some new skills and strategies. It’s now up to you to practice these strategies to cement them into your neurology.

I’ll catch up with you on the next video.

Introduction To Fronting in Body Language

Today, we’re going to learn another skill that’s really important for you to learn and to use.

But first – I need you to do a Google search, just some quick research…

Pause the video and google some famous people. You could google a favourite actor, you could google a politician, you could google some other ‘icon’. I need you to look at their ‘image’ or their picture.

As you do this just look at the images that you come across. What I’d like you to think about is when you see these images, what are your immediate thoughts with respect to like and trust…

Do you like, trust and respect that person based on that image, or are you less likely to trust, respect and like that person based on that image that you see on your screen

I’d like you to go and do that now. Go and look at three or four different people and half a dozen images of those three or four people.

Then make an instant decision about them – do you like and trust them based on that image or are you less likely to like and trust them.

And see if you can also form an impression as to why you do or don’t like them.

Then come back to me and we’ll go into this in a little more in depth. I’ll explain some of the things that may have come out for you.

Okay, welcome back.

I hope you’ve just done that little but very important exercise.

What we’re talking about today is Fronting.

Essentially people who front us, who look straight at us are perceived to be more likable and trustable.

Fronting is – that’s straight ‘top’, ‘torso’ and ‘toes’ – all pointed to you or at you.

When someone fronts you, this means to your mind and to your body that that person is respecting you, paying attention to you and therefore you are more likely to reciprocate and like and trust them more in turn.

When you went and googled these people a little while ago, if these people were looking at you front on, or maybe their head is slightly turned but to all intents and purposes they are still looking directly at you, you are much more likely to like them, trust them and respect them.

However, if they were like, looking away from you, then you are less likely to trust them, like them and respect them.

Some Examples;

There are some classic pictures of politicians on the internet which are designed to either get you to like that politician or to not-like that person.

When people are talking images of these politicians, they’re trying to portray them in either a good light or a bad light depending on what that writer, that author, that photographer, what image he’s trying to create about that politician.

When they like what the politician is doing, and they like what he said, they’ll have a full-frontal image, (see above) for you to see – or maybe the politician might be slightly turned – but is still looking at the camera. That then gives the reader more reason to trust and like and respect that politician.

Whereas if the writer or the photographer doesn’t want to portray that politician in a good light, then they’re going to have the politician looking elsewhere or looking sideways, or looking up and not facing the camera directly. This results in the viewer having less positive feelings for that politician.

Fronting is a VERY powerful tool and it’s something for you to be aware of.

Fronting means ‘top’, ‘torso’, ‘toes’ all pointing at the most important thing or person in the room. This most important person is the person who they are communicating with – you.

Fronting is the non-verbal way of saying; “I respect you…”

This means that if you are talking to two or three or four people, then if someone is talking you’d front that particular person, and then when someone else talks, you’d front them, and then when the 3rd person talks, you’d then front them.

So, you’d slightly rotate your head and your torso and your toes to that next person and the next person, etc.

You should learn to do this both when you are standing or sitting.

Even when meeting around a table, where you are all sitting down, you can front as well.

It’s obviously very much easier in a swivel chair than in a fixed chair, but it can be done whether you’re in a swivel chair or a fixed chair. In the fixed chair scenario, you just need to make more of an effort.

I’m going to politely ‘insist’ that you start fronting when you are meeting with people and having discussion with people, because your credibility, your likedness, your trust worthiness and your respectedness will improve dramatically in that other person’s eyes when you front them.

This is a very powerful skill to master and will significantly affect your communication outcomes.

Let’s go a little bit deeper on this.

Now that you know the power of fronting, what I’m going to suggest that you do is to look at your Facebook image or picture if you have a private Facebook page—and may I suggest that you look at LinkedIn picture as well.

In a LinkedIn photo (this is a professional business environment where you’re trying to create relationships), it’s really important that your image has a full ‘front’ of you and that you have a good frontal image on your LinkedIn site.

Facebook, may not be as important if you’re not using it for business. If you do use Facebook for business, then the same ‘rules’ apply with respect to your image on Facebook.

However, let’s go sideways quite dramatically and do some lateral thinking.

If you’re dating for example, and if your Facebook image on your Facebook site is part of your dating profile, then absolutely, you should have a good frontal image on Facebook. You’ll be seem as more trustworthy!

And, if you’re using a dating site, exactly the same thing applies, it will really improve your ability to get a date.

And even if you don’t use your Facebook page for business, it could be that someone who wants to do business with you might actually go and ‘look you up’ on Facebook.

If your Facebook image isn’t as good as it needs to be, then this may just cost you business.

So, there are many reasons (both personal and business reasons) for fronting and having good frontal images on the internet.

Just one last thing

I could talk about this topic for quite a while—I’m not going too. I just want to throw one last thing into the mix.

When you’re at a party and you’re fronting someone, typically, subconsciously, our toes point at or to the most important thing in the room (to us), and so you might be fronting someone with your head, your top and your torso, BUT your toes may be pointing at the bathroom.

The person that you’re talking with, at some level, will know that your toes are pointing at the bathroom, or your toes are pointing to the bar, or your toes are pointing to the food table – in other words they will subconsciously ‘see’ that your toes are not pointing at them and that you are only ‘partially fronting’ them.

It’s really important therefore, that when you’re communicating with someone at a networking event or in fact that when you are communicating with anyone, anywhere that you be aware of your top, your torso and your toes, and you pay the other person respect by fronting them fully and you pay that person that you’re communicating with attention by fronting correctly, and also being aware of where your toes are pointing.

This has been a bit of a longer video today and we’ve shared a few tips, strategies and clues for you to implement in the next couple of weeks.

I look forward to catching up with you on the next video.

Bye

Expressive Hands

A few weeks ago, we talked about the two big trust indicators;

  • one was ‘visible hands’ and
  • the other one was the smile.

Well, we’re going back to look at the hands today.

Today it’s all about ‘expressive hands’ and using your hands to improve your communication and communication outcomes.

We can grade the use of one’s hands during conversation from no use at all (zero) through the over use (ten).

I’m one of those people who tends to use their hands A LOT – I almost over use them. Call them ‘Jazz Hand’s if you like; I use my hands a lot.

But, studies show, that using one’s hands, does add expressiveness to the communication and it most definitely improves communications outcomes.

Using the expressiveness of your hands does help get the message across to the people that you’re talking with. They do remember more of what you’ve said and you are also regarded as more likable and trustworthy when you use your hands to help you communicate.

One extreme is where you are waving your hands around almost ‘wildly’, using expansive gestures and large movements of the hands. As I’ve indicated above, this can be called ‘Jazz Hands’.

Doing too much with your hands can be distracting and hinder communication. Jazz hands ‘distracts’ your listener and can take away from the message that you are trying to get across. If you are like me and if you have Jazz Hands, just be aware of this and be a little careful therefore to remember to tone it down – just a touch.

The other extreme is no use of hands at all, the hands remaining just sort of flat by your side, or folded across the abdomen, or something like that – no use of the hands at all.

This lack of animation (by the hands) means that your message gets across with less power and less impact.

Without the use of hand gestures, you have a lesser communication impact on the listener

And that extreme (no hand movement) is equally bad, because it also detracts from the power of your message.

Then we have the middle of the road use of hands. This is where you DO use hand gestures and movement, but you limit your movements largely to a ‘restricted’ area in-front of your torso.

This restricted area is a box, about 50 cm to 60 cm square, in-front of your chest and abdomen. Maybe this box is about as wide as your body and maybe a 50cm to 60 cm high, and it’s in front of your abdomen or lower chest.

In this ‘ideal’ scenario your hands would move within that space. Most surely, you would occasionally gesture more broadly and widely, but to a larger degree, your hand gestures would be within that box-like area. This is probably more of the ideal scenario when we’re talking about how much we should be using our hands.

What are you doing with your hands?

The point of this video is to get you to assess how, where and how much you are using your hands when you’re speaking; how expressive you are.

If you’ve got no hand movement at all, if you’re down at the lower end of the scale, then I’m going to suggest that you consciously start moving your hands around to improve the impact of your communication.

Initially this will feel stilted, awkward and strange. You may even feel that your communication is contrived.

The more you practice and practice, the more natural this will feel and the more impactful you’ll see your communication becoming.

On the other hand, if you’re like me and you have jazz hands, and you’re happy with that and if it isn’t throwing your conversation and communication off, then that’s okay, keep doing what you’re doing.

Knowing what you know now, start observing the other person or people in the conversation carefully to ensure that you aren’t putting them off or even slightly ‘frightening’ them.

But if you are throwing people off, maybe just tone it down a little. Remember, all body language and all communication goes on a scale from extremely low to extremely high, and you should fit somewhere in the middle. That gives the best of all worlds.

So, this is another skill to tack onto the skills we’ve worked on over the last four or five weeks. This is all about learning how to use your hands to improve your communication outcomes.

Final Note: If you are speaking from ‘stage’ or to a small or large group, then the correct use of your hands is also VERY important in getting your message across. Here again, learn to use your hands to maximise the communication outcome you will achieve.

Now it’s over to you – it’s time to turn this theory into a new skill by starting to practice, practice and practice.

I’ll see you on the next video.

Look Into My Eyes

Transcription:

Look Into My Eyes…..

Hi, it’s Diederik Gelderman here.

How did you go with the handshake practicing in the last week?

Over the last three weeks we’ve practiced;

  • the smile,
  • we’ve practiced the visible hands, and
  • we’ve practiced the handshake.

I hope that you have those well and truly ingrained into your neurology now, and that it’s second nature for your hands to be visible when you meet someone or walk into the room, for you to have a big smile plastered all over your face, and for you to put your hand out and get that handshake and make that connectedness happen. I hope that’s all natural now.

If it’s not totally locked-in yet, then just keep at it – it will come!!

If you have a challenge with learning any of this, please contact me. My email is diederikgelderman@gmail.com, – just contact me and we’ll set a time to talk or to go through this together.

Or, you contact me through Facebook. By the way, I’d love it if you went to Facebook this week and like Body Language Australia, it would mean so much to me.

What are we talking about today? Today, we’re talking about eye contact.

This is the fourth of the things that you can really do to improve your connectedness and your trustability and likeability with people you meet, it’s making eye contact.

Sixty percent of the people that you meet are what are called ‘visual processors’. In other words, they store and code and process information primarily visually. There are also auditory processors, there are also kinaesthetic processors, or people who process information by gut feel, and then the fourth group is what are called the auditory-digital processors, these are the people who process everything based on facts and figures, and we’ll talk about all this at a later date.

But 60% of people are visual processors.

A visual person feels that you’re disrespecting them and not paying attention to them if you don’t look them in the eye!

So, the way to create better trust connectedness, rapport and be more liked is by looking people in the eye; and if you look people in the eye like this (staring at the camera), they’re going to think that’s a little bit creepy. And, if you look people in the eye like this (looking sideways), they’re probably going to think that you’re being sneaky.

How long should you spend looking in the eye, either when you meet them for the first time or when dealing with them on a re-acquaintance type basis?

When you meet them for the first time, I’m going to suggest that you look in their eye, and then look away, look again a little bit longer, look away, and then look back a third time and then look away again.

In those first three ‘looks’ into someone else’s eye, what you’re trying to do is to learn the colour of their eyes; are they blue, green, turquoise …. — what are the colour of their irises.

When you have that information, you’ve looked in their eyes long enough, and your ability to build trust, rapport, respect and connection significantly improves.

From that point on, you’re going to look in their eyes probably for about 50%-65% of the conversation.

So, if you are talking with them for a five-minute period, you’d probably want to be looking in their eyes for about two and a bit up to three minutes of that period of time.

Less than that, you’re being sneaky, more than that, you’re being invasive and over the top.

So, it’s really important that on a first meeting, you learn the colours of their irises, and look at them for just over half of the time in the conversation, and especially look at them a lot early on to build that trust and rapport.

When you then meet them again on subsequent occasions, again, look at them more initially and as that relationship builds, and as you become familiar again, you can look at them a little bit less. I’m going to suggest that you should never look at them less than 40% of the time.

Let me explain that; if you’re having that five-minute conversation, and you’ve met this person two or three or four times, and if you’ve got a good relationship already, you should look at them for about two minutes, never less than two minutes because you’re breaking that relationship down if you look at them for less. So, about 40% – 50% of the time when you know them well, about 50% – 65% of the time when you’re initially starting to know them.

You’ve got NEW things now to practice and ingrain in your neurology now. Please, go to Body Language Australia on Facebook, and give us a big tick, a big like, and I’ll catch up with you again on the next video.

See you next time.

The Vital Importance Of Your Handshake

Transcription:

The Vital Importance Of Your Handshake

Hi, it’s Diederik Gelderman here again. Thank you so much for the likes and feedback that I’ve had for the previous video.

Today, we’re going to share a strategy with you that may not be particularly comfortable for you. That being said, it is an extremely valuable and important strategy, and I would very strongly suggest that you implement and use this strategy IMMEDIATELY – because it’s going to massively improve your ability to be liked, trusted, respected and hugely going to improve your communication—overall communication—ability. And, what is this strategy that is going to be a little bit challenging for you? It’s the handshake.

When we touch someone, when someone touches us, we and they both release a hormone called oxytocin. Oxytocin is called the hormone of connection; it’s also called the cuddle hormone.

Hey – I’m not going to ask you to cuddle the person that you are meeting .

In European society, it’s a lot more common to hug the person you are meeting – something important to remember.

On a serious note, when you meet someone in Europe, you’ll typically put your hands on their shoulders or around their waist and kiss them once on each cheek, that type of thing. There’s a lot more oxytocin released in both those people when you do that than there is with us in Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, the States, where it’s typically only the handshake that’s exchanged – unless we know that person very well.

Studies show that a handshake, a simple handshake builds as much rapport and connection and trust as does a 3-HOUR face-to-face communication, a sit down face-to-face meeting.

  • You can really, really short-circuit your being liked, your being trusted, your being respected and therefore improve your communication by a thing as simple as a handshake.

When I talk about a handshake, I’m talking between man and woman, woman and man, man and man, and woman and woman. It doesn’t’ matter who you are meeting for the first time, I’m going to very, very strongly suggest that you get over any yips that you’ve got, and shake their hand.

Now, while we’re on this, what is the quality of a good handshake?

A handshake should be palm level, vertical handshake, it should be a firm touch. Now, a limp handshake—ooh, jeez, that doesn’t work at all, and someone that power squeezes you, it’s the same sort of thing.

The way to practice the handshake is to practice on your own hand, and practice making a firm grip, whether it’s like this, or whether it’s like this. Just try shaking your hands just like this and see how it feels for you.

Develop a nice firm solid handshake, not too strong, not too weak. Palms should be dry. And then, an up and down, one or two or three times – vertical movement.

Now, if you’re in a networking situation, here’s a quick tip; if you have a glass of some sort of drink, alcoholic or not alcoholic in your hand, it’s typically going to be a cold glass, and your hand may therefore be wet from the glass, so I’m going to suggest that you get a napkin and wrap one or two or three napkins around that glass so that your hands stays dry or you have a spare napkin in your pocket so you can put your glass down, before you meet someone, dry your hand and then give them a hand shake.

Now, as I said a little bit earlier, in Europe, hands on shoulders, check to check, kiss, a lot more oxytocin released, a lot more connection developed.

Therefore, you may ask, “Diederik, what about if I do a double clasp handshake?”

Yup absoluteley a double clasp handshake is going to give you lots more connection, lots more oxytocin release.

But, a double clasp handshake is also a real sign of “I’m superior to you, I’ve got you under my thumb, or in my hands,” as it were, and a typical example at the moment is Donald Trump.

You’ll see him doing this double-clasp handshake with all sorts of people all over the world, and they’re almost pulling their hands away and they’re in effect saying “You’re not the boss.”

I would never do a double-clasp handshake, it doesn’t work for me, it makes me feel embarrassed and icky. If it works for you, go for you it. If it’s natural for you, go for it, but don’t force it one someone.

The other thing is, the way to do a handshake correctly is that you step towards them and put your hand out. If they put their hand bag or their laptop between you and them, or between them and you, or if they take a step back, then you know that handshake is not going to happen, it’s not for them.

Then you can then very easily pull your hand away and no one is embarrassed.

But, typically, you’ll step forward and put your hand — we’ll talk about personal zones, private body zones in a future video — and when you’re putting your hand out, you’re moving into one of their personal zones, and if they move forward and put their hand out, that’s a really great sign and that’s a really great increase in connectedness and connection.

If they are a bit uncomfortable with you moving into that personal zone or with the handshake itself, then they have the opportunity to easily step back.

If you do the handshake that way you can make use of two things that way, the handshake and the power of proxemics—proxemics is the study of space and distance between two people.

Now, the other thing with the handshake as I said earlier, it should be vertical.

If someone grabs your hand and turns your hand down, that means that they’re trying to dominate you and say that they’re ‘better’ than you are, and the other way around as well…

If you’re doing this over someone’s hand, then they’re going to get the feeling that you’re dominating them and that you’re better than they are.

So, I’m going to very strongly suggest that at all times you keep your hand vertical.

If someone does this to you and pushes your hand down, you can either accept it — which is why I do, and I make a mental note saying “Ha, I saw you do that. I’m going to keep that in mind in future.”

But, there’s plenty of people who I know who will actually just cock that hand straight back up and straighten it and say the equivalent of “No, I’m on an equal level with you”, by verticallying up both those hands.

Now, they’re not the words that they say, but that’s the information that is shared on a body to body basis.

If you’re comfortable flicking the hand straight up, go for it, if you’re not comfortable doing it like I’m not comfortable and I accept that they are putting their hand over/on-top of mine, then as I said, I would note and remember this and in a future occasion I’d remember what they were trying to achieve. So, you could do that as well.

So, that’s the power of the hand shake. It’s vitally important that you shake people’s hand because it’s equivalent to a 3-HOUR conversation, and you get a whole heap more of connectedness, trust and rapport building because of that handshake.

This is your task this week, should you choose to accept it, as they say in the movies.

This is your task for the next week, practice the handshake, see you next week.

A quick call to action before we finish. Please  go to the BodyLanguageAustralia.com website, there are lots of tools and resources there that you can download that’ll help you in improving and practicing your body language.

I’d also be really appreciative if you ‘liked’ my BLA Facebook page.

See you next week. Bye.

Improving your communication and your likeability, trustability and respectability

 

Transcription:

Hi, it’s Diederik Gelderman here again.

Today is the second video about improving your communication and your likeability, trustability and respectability, especially with new people.

So, what am I going to talk about today? It’s a really, really, really simple thing, and that’s the power of the smile.

Let me ask you, from how far away can you see someone smile?

The answer is about 300 yards, or 300 meters, that sort of distance. Again (like last week), I talk about caveman and caveman days in the last video.

In this video it’s exactly the same thing. When a caveman was approaching us umpteen hundreds of thousands of years ago, we looked at two things, their hands, visible hands, and we looked at their face, and when we saw a smile and when we saw visible hands, we knew that person was very unlikely to be a threat.

So, a smile is really, really, really important.

They also did some studies on Shark Tank—I don’t know if you watcg the show, I watch bits and pieces of it here and there…

But they analyzed the 2016 contestants and the commonalities, the common things that all the winners did, the guys that got the Sharks to invest in their products, and they looked at what the commonalities where between all those winners and, it was a 50/5 split, about half the people got the deal, and the other half didn’t.

So, what was the commonality between those people that did the deal?

There were three about commonalities, I’ll share them all over the next few videos…

The first one was when those contestants came down, the gangplank or the walkway, or whatever you want to call it, when they were approaching the sharks, the winners were typically smiling.

The people that didn’t get the deal typically weren’t smiling.

So, when they walked down that walk way, the Sharks could see a big smile on their faces, and that first impression counted hugely later on when it came to doing the deal with the Sharks.

So remember, in every situation that you’re walking into, whether you’re walking into a networking meeting where you don’t know anyone, whether you’re presenting to a small group, whether you’re presenting to a large group, whether you’re meeting someone one-on-one for coffee, can I suggest that you get a smile plastered all over your face?

You may not think a smile is important on the phone, but it is absolutely important in that situation as well.

Let me suggest that you do a little experiment and you get one of your colleagues or coworkers or friends to help you….

You ring them and get them to pick up the phone and get them to pick up the phone in one of two ways. Either pick up the phone and say “Hello, it’s Diederik Gelderman here,” or get them to pick the phone with a big smile on their face and say the same thing, “Hello! It’s Diederik Gelderman here,” and see if you can pick the difference on your end of the phone. I bet you can.

That’s the message for this week. Whenever you’re meeting someone, first time, second time, anytime, in person or on the phone, smile. It will make you much more likeable, trustable and respectable.

If you like this video, there’s a lot more in the series, head over to my YouTube channel and sign-up and subscribe and you’ll get notification when the next video comes out.

See on the next video.

In the meantime, your homeplay for this week is to SMILE!

The foundation to all great communication and connection

Transcription:

Hi, it’ Diederik Gelderman here.

When you meet someone for the first time, whether that’s face-to-face, in a one-on-one meeting, whether it’s when you walk in to a room and there’s a group of people there looking at you when you walk in, whether you’re doing a presentation on stage to a big group, or even to a small group, would you like to create instant trust, respect, generate rapport?

Well, of course you would because building that trust and rapport and respect immediately increases your connectivity and connectedness with that one person or with that entire group and, when you create that connectivity, the ongoing communication goes so much better.

So, I’m putting together a series which is going to give you a little titbit on improving your communication and connection skills in each episode.

Each week, I’m going to give you a short, small actionable snippet of information and you’ll have a week to implement that information and practice and rehearse and role play and get that strategy engrained into your neurology.

And these tips and snippets over time, are going to build up into a whole arsenal of techniques that you can and will use to improve your communication, as I said, with either one person or with an entire group.

What we’re going to talk about today is the foundation to all great communication and connection.

Let me ask you a question. I need you to think just a little bit here. When you meet a person for the first time, what is or are the things that you immediately look at?

When they meet you, what are they immediately looking at?

And what I’d like you to think about is going way, think way, way back to pre-historic days, caveman days—so, what does the caveman look at when someone was approaching?

Well, it’s these things here, it’s the hands.

And, at some level, still today, we still notice visible hands, or not-visible hands, as the first thing we look at. That behaviours goes way, way back.

Obviously, in caveman days, we wanted to see whether they were carrying a club or a spear, and whether they were a threat to us or not.

As I said, at some level, we still look at hands and whether they are visible or not, and we use that as an internal guide as to whether that person’s trustworthy or not so trustworthy.

There have been lots of studies done using juries, and asking juries what they believe of defendants and why they believe or don’t believe various defendants.

Juries typically tell us that if a defendant’s hands are visible and on the table, then that person is more trustworthy than a defendant who has his or her hands hidden or under the table.

So, when you meet someone for the first time, it’s really, really, really important that your hands are visible.

Now, invisible hands are when you walk in in like this (hands in pockets or hands in armpits – crossed arms).

Now, it doesn’t matter whether you’re cold and you’ve got your hands tucked in your armpits because you’re cold. It doesn’t matter whether you may be wearing or carrying a handbag or a computer and your hand is under the strap of the handbag or under the computer case or whatever it happens to be.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re carrying a book and your hands are hidden by the book, or even whether you are holding a clip-board…..

In each one of those cases, your hands are hidden and therefore, you will be regarded by the person that you’re engaging with as less trustworthy than if you had your hands exposed.

So, that’s the simple message for today. Whenever you meet someone, especially when you meet them for the first time, but also on an on-going basis, ensure that your hands are exposed, and visible, and that the person can see your hands. You will develop a better relationship.

Make sure that for the next week you practice having ‘visible hands’.

I’ll see you on the next video. Bye.

Bye.

It Isn’t What We Say

Here’s a fascinating study. Students were asked to watch silent videos of teachers teaching a class and then rate/rank those teachers

The student’s watched the video for somewhere around 4 to 5 minutes and then rated the teacher’s ability to teach.

Now these are silent videos, so all that the students could see and rate was the teacher’s facial expressions and body language.

Next, they compared the ratings or rankings of those students (who had watched the videos) with the ratings given by the ‘live’ students the teacher had the whole semester.

What’s amazing was that the ranking and grades matched

That’s right – the rankings / ratings and the grade matched up.

For example, a teacher who had gotten fours and fives from their ‘live’ students after a semester long class received the same rating from students who watched a silent video of them for about five minutes.

In a later study, rather than getting the students to watch 4-5 minute videos, they were given videos just 20 seconds in length

Again they rated the teachers and these ratings were compared to students who had attended the class – live, for the entire semester.

Once again the ratings matched up.

This shows that words don’t matter nearly as much as we think they do.

What this means for you, is that when you walk into a room, or meet someone for the first time, etc. – they form, or have formed their ‘first impression’ of you, in many instances even BEFORE you’ve said a word!

When you are preparing a presentation to a colleague or at work or when a teacher is preparing for a class, we all put our biggest energy, focus and effort into organizing WHAT we are going to say, we rarely think about HOW we are going to say it.

Maybe that’s putting the cart before the horse…….

When working with clients – are you the same perhaps? Do you pay attention, more attention even, to HOW you say things than to WHAT you are saying?

If not, then perhaps RIGHT NOW is the time to start doing so.

How you say something is more important – people’s first impression of just your body language is important and very accurate.